This Is Ridiculous

I won't be able to run for three more weeks!!! My podiatrist has started a treatment that pounds my tendon with ultrasounds and for the period of two or three weeks I won't be able to run. So much for my little steps plan. Things like that discourage me tremendously. Just when I thought I would finally start putting things together, just when I am beginning to feel better about myself and my life... I am not happy. I can hike though, he said and this is what I think I will be doing... I even got myself Five Fingers Trek. As much as I want to hike barefoot, I realize that for longer hikes now I need some better protection and traction. I also needed some serious cheering up.

OK, now for some positive thinking. I am supposed to feel better after this treatment is over. My tendon is going to be fine. It will heal faster this way. I will be finally able to run without worries.

I don't even want to think about my biopsy which I have next week. Then colonoscopy at end of the month... for a person who has been managing to live quite well without doctors, all of a sudden I am going from one to another. I don't feel so healthy anymore.

Challenge

I have always admired people who reach for the stars despite challenges life throws their way. I have always wondered if I could ever be that brave and persevere despite the odds. In a twisted sort of way I excused myself from achieving because I had no challenges to conquer. And just today it dawned on me that I do. No, I have not been injured in a horrible car accident, I have not been diagnosed with debilitating disease (well, I am still waiting to see if the lump in my breast is cancerous), I have a different challenge: I have ZERO faith in myself, I have ZERO will power. Try to conquer that! People who manage to run ultramarathons after they had been told they may never walk again have the inner strength that carries them through. Try to get something done without that strength. Try to achieve anything without the discipline to stick to your resolutions. Try to get anywhere without any hope that you will be able move at all.

That is me. That is my challenge: to achieve something without the strength to do it. 

And what will that be? Another resolution? Another dream I cannot live? 

Today I went for the first run in a few weeks. I decided to go barefoot. That means slow run and that also means I won't go to far. Maybe if I take it only day by day I won't get too impatient with myself. Maybe when I start from scratch I will appreciate small achievements more than if I went out hoping to run several miles fast without pain. So I ran half a mile and then hiked also barefoot 1.4mi. The sun was getting up from behind the hills promising a good beginning. I took it as a good sign. Maybe I can run that stupid marathon. Maybe I can hike JMT (wouldn't it be great to hike it barefoot?). Maybe...

Right now I have to regain some confidence. I have to start enjoying the effort again and I have to stop comparing myself with all those heroes who inspire me on one hand and make me feel worthless on the other. I feel I can never be like them and I kick myself for it. I envy their drive and will and I wish I had some of that too. 

For now all I can do is to make small steps and finally start liking myself for trying. Maybe I will never be an achiever. Maybe forever I will be a wanderer who never gets anywhere. Maybe I just need to enjoy the journey, admire the views and be happy I am still alive. Maybe my challenge is not to get anywhere but to appreciate the trek.

Today: barefoot run 0.52mi

            barefoot walk/hike 1.36mi

Week 1: barefoot run 0.52mi

              barefoot walk/hike 1.36mi