This is NOT going to be another 'new start' post. My life is not beginning anew; it is a continuation of 52+ years of ups and downs, lessons learned and sometimes forgotten. I've been down recently fighting very depressing moments, difficult family situations, weight gain, scares of cancer, and lack of energy to exercise. It seems I have lost my way in the maze forgetting to make choices and letting the wind carry me into lands I don't want to see again, lands of me big, wanting to move but unable to do so. Lands where I eat without thinking and growing bigger with every bite. I want so much to be more in control of what I am doing but somehow I often lose focus and only after I eat I realize what I had done. Days pass without exercise except for slow strolls around Paris. They are slow because my hubby cannot walk fast so my regular vigorous pace gets reduced to a crawl. That makes me tired and makes for a good excuse for not exercising more.
As years ago I keep telling myself that 'when...', 'if..' then I will start eating right, working out, running... in the meantime the 'ifs' and 'then's' change to accommodate my sluggish moods. So what was the condition for a new start yesterday is forgotten and a new one is made and I make sure that this one is far enough into the future so I don't have to beat myself up every day for not starting on the right path. My ego pretends to be saved and I keep on getting fatter, less fit and more depressed.
Often I wondered what I would do if I knew if I had only a few more months to live. Right now I live with a scare of breast cancer. No, I do not have the sentence and probably the lump I have is nothing but at least I have my answer and it is that I would do nothing but dig myself even deeper into the world I hate. Some people get inspired and they live their last days to the fullest. I roll into a ball and do nothing but eat. Now that is a pathetic picture.
